Depths of Despair

     Do you remember in Anne of Green Gables when Anne says to Marilla “I am in the depths of despair, have you ever been in the depths of despair?” and Marilla answers in her no nonsense way “No, I have not, to despair is to turn ones back on God.”  For some reason, that I am sure was the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me in a way that I would understand, that little dialog just happened upon my mind as I was wallowing in my own depth of despair.  Have you ever been in the depths of despair?  My despair is not over trivial little happenstances that constantly seem to find Anne Shirley thus thrusting her into the depth.  Mine is over myself.  I find myself constantly berating my own inadequacy.  I feel like I try so hard to be a better person, to be a better Mom, and most importantly to be a better Christian.  And yet inevitably my temper will rear its ugly head and a moment of irritation turns into an argument here and a withering look there.  Or I simply give into my chronic fatigue and just don’t care about anything.  My house doesn’t get clean, take out is for dinner and my three year old spent the whole day wearing nothing but a pajama top.  Failure.  I know what I want to achieve, I can see it all in the perfect little bubble above my head.  Perfectly clean and organized house with pictures hanging on the walls, instead of piled on the floor in the living room like they have been since we moved in almost four months ago.  My day is scheduled perfectly with a full wonderful day of homeschooling my oldest while skillfully entertaining my youngest.  Delightful conversations of learning and discovery!  I prepare the perfect meal just in time for my wonderful husband to get home from work.  We all sit around the table enjoying my perfect dinner along with good family conversation.  My kids go to bed at a descent hour with no problem and my three year old does not get up three times in the night to climb in bed with me.  My husband and I spend the last few wakeful hours of the day enjoying being alone together and we never share a cross word.  Sound idyllic?  Of course it does!  It’s from the bubble above my head!  POP!  Not real, not realistic.  I know that, I really do, so why then do I repeatedly fall into the “depths of despair” when the reality hits?  Failure.  I spend so much time reflecting on what I want, i.e. the bubble over my head that the only outcome can only ever be failure.  You can’t only be content with perfection when perfection is not attainable.  Perfection is not realistic.  Not in life anyway, life is messy at times.  Instead of wallowing in my own person despair I need to heed Marilla’s wise words and turn TO God.  He understands our struggles and is the ONLY one who actually brings about real change.  I know I cannot do it on my own.  Not even close.  I still want to be better and I think that’s good.  We should never be complacent and content with our flaws, especially when they lead to sin.  But I need to fully realize that God does not see me as a failure. But merely as his beloved child who is trying so hard to carry a heavy burden she has placed on her own shoulders when he so much wants to help her carry it, if she would only relinquish it to him.  Take it Jesus, please.  I surrender my burdens to you.  I don’t need perfection, I just need you.  So, even when I feel myself falling into the depths of despair I know that my God, my Savior has a ladder all ready for me to climb out with.  All I have to do is turn to him and ask for the help he is longing to give.