God's Will vs. My Will

I was blessed with my second perfect baby boy on July 27, 2009. He has been such a blessing and joy in my life. I had always planned on having at least three or four kids by the time I was 30. I love children and have always desired a big family. When I had my first son in October of 1999 I thought I was well on my way to my goal. Unfortunately I didn't take into consideration that perhaps my plans were not God's plans for me. As year after painful year went by it felt as if my dreams were dying. I cried out to God on a regular basis begging him for at least one more child. More years slipped by..30 came and went..no baby. I really believe that I learned a lot about myself during those years. I went from a place of stubborn pride refusing to even allow the possibility that I might never have another child. To a place of surrender to God, I told God that I truly wanted his will to be done. And I meant it. Finally in 2008 we decided we might need some medical help so we sought out infertility treatments. We went through all the testing and began to wait for my cycle to begin to start treatment. Well low and behold that cycle never came and I found myself one early morning standing in the middle of my bathroom in utter shock staring at a positive pregnancy test! Even when we try to get ahead of God he is still one step ahead all the time. What prompted me to write all this is a piece of paper I found just now while cleaning my desk at home. It is something I wrote during the time of the infertility testing. I was feeling very emotional and just had to write. Here it is:

Sometimes it's so hard to wait.

I know he has a plan,

I know he sees the way.

So many dreams unfulfilled,

such a void, how to heal?

My heart cries out

bruised and bleeding,

where's the meaning?

Sometimes dreams are

just meant to be dreams

unfulfilled in reality.

But sometimes dreams

take wing and soar into eternity.

I want my dreams to

be your dreams for me.

Dream through me Jesus!

When the world pushes you down

hold on tight to the light of God's love.

When you rest in his presence

the sun will rise again.

I found out I was pregnant about one week after I wrote this.

I still hope and dream to have more children someday. But I honestly want God's will above my own and I know that if I let him dream through me I will never be disappointed.

An Issue of Forgiveness

These last few months have been full of painful encounters and experiences for myself and for several of those close to me. I have witnessed marriages end and families fractured irreparably. It pains my heart terribly. It is right now 4:30 in the morning and after lying in bed wide awake for an hour with my thoughts hurling around begging to be typed, I have finally given up and decided to let the Holy Spirit lead me. The burning sentiment raging in my head and my heart is the raw fact that when you are facing unspeakable hurts, when you are dragged through the fire, it becomes abundantly clear what you really believe. It is easy to talk the talk but when reality hits can you walk the walk? The biggest hurdle I am witnessing right now is the struggle with forgiveness, so that is the subject I am choosing to explore in this rambling post.

I personally have always had a very strong faith. I firmly believe that we are placed on this earth to love, serve, and worship God. Everything else is just that...everything else. I believe the Bible to be the absolute truth, the words of God. But here lays the dilemma for many, the practicality of what God requires. Look with me at a few scriptures:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8 (NIV)

The definition of the word mercy is as follows: "Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender or enemy."

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you, but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:38-45 (NIV)

Pretty clearly stated but how do you reconcile these truths in real life? I know that if someone smacked me across the face it would not be my natural reaction to turn and allow them to smack the other side too! But, that is clearly what God expects from us. On pondering why it is that God would require this response I was hit by the resounding fact that God is love. Not hate, not bitterness, not anger. God is Love.

I recently watched a biography about Wyatt Earp, it was very interesting and I was struck at the end by one thing in particular. All of his life he was a lawman with a deep sense of justice but when his brother was ruthlessly murdered right in front of him he changed. It was no longer about justice he was consumed with his need for revenge. He shot and killed three men in cold blood who were suspected in the murder of his brother. At that point he became a murderer and a wanted man. When faced with a harsh reality he became what he fought against his whole life.

This brings me back to what do you really believe? God commands us to forgive but does that mean we must forgive everything? I googled forgiveness and came up with story after story of people who forgave others for unthinkable crimes. Parents who forgave the person who murdered their child. That really stuck a nerve with me being a parent myself. But you know the reason they choose to forgive in most cases was because they knew it was the only way to healing for themselves. When bitterness takes root in your heart it spreads like cancer and it will destroy you. No one deserves to be forgiven. No one. Especially those who inflict harm on innocent victims. But as unthinkable as it may be to us God loves even those. God loves everyone, the liar, the the thief, the molester, the murderer and even more he says that no sin is any greater than any other to him. God sees inside our hearts and loves us warts and all. It really changes my perspective when I dwell on that fact. Also God would not command us to do something that is impossible. He placed the capacity for forgiveness and love in our hearts. He knows all of our trials past, present, and future. He made a way for each of us to accept his free gift of forgiveness and he expects us to follow his lead.

I have to say that I am much disturbed when I hear Christians say in all sincerity that people do not change. I cannot forgive that person because once a liar always a liar or fill in the blank with the sin of choice. If you really believe that then you are turning your back on the life changing power of Jesus Christ. I would suggest you check out the book of Acts in the Bible and read about a man named Paul. He was a persecutor and murderer of Christians who had a Holy encounter on the road to Damascus and walked away a man of God, a preacher. In more modern times look at Nicky Cruz a man full of hatred and violence who's life was also changed by the love and grace of Jesus. You can read his story here: http://nickycruz.org/about/nicky_story
You may look at a fallen man and see only his crimes but thank God when Jesus looks at that same man he sees his potential!

In conclusion as I tried to reconcile myself on whether or not to forgive, I went round and round. But if you have faith and you believe the Bible to be the words of God then you will inevitably come back to the same conclusion that I have. I will choose to forgive. I will choose not to cast the first stone. I will choose to believe God. I will choose to try my hardest to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God. Because in the end that is why we are here. Everything else is just...everything else.

New Years new beginnings..again.

This post is dedicated to the mother of all New Years resolutions. Weight Loss. (insert shudders and groans) It seems like way too much of my life is spent obsessing over my ever fluctuating weight. I have had a few major successes in weight loss but inevitably failure is lurking around the corner. To cut myself a little bit of slack both of my major weight loss victories were immediately followed by my two pregnancies thus resulting in my returning weight. However I took major liberties with my diet during said pregnancies that I definitely shouldn't have. I try to analyze my "food issues" ala Bob and Jillian to dig deep and look for meaning behind my bulk, but the only truth that emerges is...are you ready for this? I love food. There it is. That in and of itself is not so bad but the ugly side of the truth is the type of food I love does not love me in return. I am a big proponent of not denying yourself all of our favorite foods. I mean who can live a truly happy life never partaking of a Krispy Kreme doughnut or a Baskin Robbins Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream cone? I ask you. I know that the real trick is portion control. I hear that all over the place and I do agree. Diets usually only give you minimal success. Either you fail right at the start or you lose weight just to put it all back on when you start eating "real" food again. Unless of course you are strong willed enough to revamp your entire life and put a strong leash on your taste buds..and some people do..but it would seem that the majority of people cant do that. So..back to portion control. That is hard too! (insert screaming and banging head on keyboard hdfhawhfaslfhaweilhawefil) Okay I have calmed myself. :-) What is the solution to this perplexing issue? I don't know. I guess you just do the best that you can and you don't give up. Being healthy is a worthy goal and endangering your health with a constant procession of bad foods is not smart. So going back to my New Years resolution. I, Stephanie Dawn Glasscock, do promise to do my humble best at achieving a healthier lifestyle. I resolve to exercise more and eat less junk. I determine that I will cook more healthy foods at home and I will begin logging my caloric intake. There it is.. my New Years new beginning..again.

The Beginning

I named my blog Rambling Steph because that is exactly what you will get here. Me...rambling. It might make sense it might not, may be profound or just stupid. Whatever come out take it or leave it. It's just me rambling. :-)