God's Will vs. My Will

I was blessed with my second perfect baby boy on July 27, 2009. He has been such a blessing and joy in my life. I had always planned on having at least three or four kids by the time I was 30. I love children and have always desired a big family. When I had my first son in October of 1999 I thought I was well on my way to my goal. Unfortunately I didn't take into consideration that perhaps my plans were not God's plans for me. As year after painful year went by it felt as if my dreams were dying. I cried out to God on a regular basis begging him for at least one more child. More years slipped by..30 came and went..no baby. I really believe that I learned a lot about myself during those years. I went from a place of stubborn pride refusing to even allow the possibility that I might never have another child. To a place of surrender to God, I told God that I truly wanted his will to be done. And I meant it. Finally in 2008 we decided we might need some medical help so we sought out infertility treatments. We went through all the testing and began to wait for my cycle to begin to start treatment. Well low and behold that cycle never came and I found myself one early morning standing in the middle of my bathroom in utter shock staring at a positive pregnancy test! Even when we try to get ahead of God he is still one step ahead all the time. What prompted me to write all this is a piece of paper I found just now while cleaning my desk at home. It is something I wrote during the time of the infertility testing. I was feeling very emotional and just had to write. Here it is:

Sometimes it's so hard to wait.

I know he has a plan,

I know he sees the way.

So many dreams unfulfilled,

such a void, how to heal?

My heart cries out

bruised and bleeding,

where's the meaning?

Sometimes dreams are

just meant to be dreams

unfulfilled in reality.

But sometimes dreams

take wing and soar into eternity.

I want my dreams to

be your dreams for me.

Dream through me Jesus!

When the world pushes you down

hold on tight to the light of God's love.

When you rest in his presence

the sun will rise again.

I found out I was pregnant about one week after I wrote this.

I still hope and dream to have more children someday. But I honestly want God's will above my own and I know that if I let him dream through me I will never be disappointed.