Confessions from a hurting heart

Have you ever had so much emotion trapped up in your heart that you know if you don't vent it out you just might explode?  That is where I am at right now.  My grandma passed away not quite 2 months ago now.  She is the first person that I have ever lost from this world and she just happened to be one of the most important persons of my life.  We always had a close relationship and she was one of the few people who actually seemed to "get" me.  She was my biggest fan and I never doubted her love for me.  She was a very special lady who helped make me into the woman that I am.  I miss her. I miss her so bad I can hardly stand it.  This being my first time walking through a grief process I have no idea if the feelings I have are normal or not.  It's kinda strange actually, I mean I obviously felt intense sadness at the time of her passing.  But then life kinda went on and you tried to pick up the pieces and establish a routine again and you just kind of move on.  Or at least that's what I thought I did but recently it's like the grief has suddenly intensified.  I find myself crying over the littlest things and thinking about grandma a lot.  I remember her when I'm baking, I think about her when doing laundry, while shopping, sitting in church next to my grandad.  Oh boy is her absence felt then, she was always the one sitting beside me.  Seeing her picture, and I have lots of them, just feels like a knife in my chest.  Worst of all is going to my moms house and just seeing grandma everywhere.  Her touches are all over that house.  I hope that this is just a phase of grief I'm going through and that it will pass so I can start to dwell on my happy memories and not be so overcome with my sadness.  I also wonder if I just never really dealt with all of the emotions that began the day we found out the cancer was back.  That day I stayed with grandad while my mom took grandma to the ER.  She had been really sick for weeks and we had finally convinced her she needed to go to the hospital.  It never entered my mind that the diagnosis would be lung cancer.  My mom was so upset when she found out she couldn't talk so she texted me..it's lung cancer, can you tell grandad?  Can you tell grandad.  I sat there in shock staring at my phone in horror before glancing up at my unsuspecting grandfather, contemplating how to tell him that his beloved wife of 63 years was potentially dying.  I pulled a chair up in front of him and gently broke the news to him and then held him in my arms as he sobbed.  That moment is permanently etched in my memory.  A whirlwind ensued as family dropped everything and rushed to spend one last holiday as an intact family.  It was a great week.  Grandma felt good when she came home from the hospital and she so much enjoyed having the family all together.  I'm sure it was hard for my cousins to hug her goodbye knowing it would be the last time on this earth.  The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was so peaceful and normal it almost seemed like the diagnosis of "terminal" must have been a mistake.  Then Christmas Day arrived.  The moment I arrived at the house I knew grandma had taken a bad turn.  She felt bad, nauseous and dizzy.  She tried to come to the table but ended up vomiting and having to retreat to the couch to rest while we ate.  I could hardly contain the intense feeling of dread and sadness I felt.  We opened our gifts all around her as she dozed in and out barely aware of what was happening.  She did watch the video I made for her but I was unsure how much she was able to take in.  Christmas Day was the beginning of the end.  She did rebound for a few days and I am so thankful for it.  I will never ever forget the moment she took my hand and with her hands shaking she tried to place her wedding ring on my finger.  "I want you to have this" she said.  I was stunned and it took me a few minutes to collect myself and thank her and tell her how much her gift meant to me.  She squeezed my hand and said "Okay now don't make me cry".  There was another day in particular that my mom and my aunt took grandad out to lunch and I got to stay alone with grandma.  I will always cherish those moments we shared.  I got to show her my Christmas video again and we got to talk.  That was our last real talk together.  The last week of her life was painful to watch.  By that time she was being medicated constantly and sleeping majority of the time.  It was a waiting game and it was awful.  On January 11th after spending part of the day at the house close by, my family and I left to attend a birthday party.  While at the party I received the text from my mom telling me grandma had just left for heaven.  We rushed back to the house and all cried together as we strove to find some closure and say goodbye.  It is still so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone.  I know, I KNOW that I will see her again in heaven and I so look forward to that day.  But knowing that however doesn't take away how much I miss her.  I'm sure I will always miss her.  I am so thankful to have had such a special grandma.  I am now out of words, emotionally spent but somehow I do feel better. 
I love you Grandma, I miss you...