3 months down - The Real work begins

                         Historically the third month of any new healthy eating plan has been my hardest.  This is when it gets hard.  The enthusiasm has waned and temptation reigns supreme.  This time around was no exception, I hit a wall.  But where I have failed before and given up this time I chose to pick myself up and power through.  In the process I learned a lot about myself.  I have really been analyzing my thoughts and actions and what causes me to make the choices I do.  I realize how detrimental having a "diet" mentality is.  But it is so hard to break that mentality.  It's kind of ingrained into you after so many diets and/or diet attempts.  I know that diets only work in the temporary.  If you change what you are doing to lose weight but then you go back to your old ways after your done losing guess what happens...you gain it back.  Sometimes with some extra weight in tow.  Of course I have heard the whole "lifestyle change over diet" before.  But to be honest I never embraced it.  Truly trying to change your approach to eating is hard, very very hard.  I love the Trim Healthy Mama plan but being a naturally picky eater I do not always love all of the food.  There are tons of good food choices that I do enjoy but if I am being honest there is quite a bit I don't care for.  I'm not a veggie eater and I love bread and potatoes, those are my biggest vices.  Admitting that does not change the facts that I need to change my mentality.  Rather it enforces that concept.  This is why I believe having a year long commitment is good, it keeps me motivated because I do not want to fail.  But more than that I am striving to change my ingrained food behaviors.  Trial by fire sometimes let me tell you.  I am battling myself right now almost daily.  In a way I'm glad that this happened, my eating off  plan when I did.  Because it has forced me not to just blindly choose the right choices but to really examine the why.  Plus I need to break that diet mentality.  It is diet mentality to say "Oh well I blew it this meal so I might as well eat bad all day."  It is diet mentality to punish yourself and /or berate yourself for choosing to eat something off plan.  In the real world you will have good reason to eat off plan.  It is your choice and you need to remember that.  You are not in slavery to food.  You have the option to eat whatever you choose.  You just need to make an informed non guilt ridden decision on what is the best choice for you at this moment.  If you can learn to walk in the food freedom this knowledge brings I believe lifelong success is attainable!  This truth propels me forward, I will break my bad behaviors and embrace a healthier view on food.  I will not feel guilty if I choose a not so healthy option on occasion.  I will eat on plan the majority of the time and continue learning about myself and growing while I'm shrinking.  Speaking of shrinking.  Even in the midst of a turmoil filled March I still lost 4.8 pounds putting my total at 20 pounds gone forever!  I am beyond thrilled and excited to continue on this lifelong journey.  I hit my goal of 10,000 or more steps a day 16 days of March according to my fitbit, however my fitbit was broke for about a week until I got a new band and I still walked on my treadmill so it was probably about 20 days.  Thanks for reading and supporting me, I so much appreciate it!

One Month Down, Eleven More to Go

    I should have actually written this 7 days ago but my life is crazy and I just have not had time.  My apologies.  I successfully completed my first whole month 100% on plan.  No lie the first week was tough.  I was hit by all kind of withdrawal systems but I powered through and the the next few weeks went much better.  Not weighing myself was tougher than I though it would be but I resisted and I am glad that I did.  My official weight loss for the month is 10 pounds!  I also measured myself and I lost an inch on almost every part of my body except my waist where I lost two!  WooHoo!  I am feeling very good about those results.  I did no exercising the first week but amped up my efforts to get my 10,000 steps daily and I did 21 days out of January.  My best day was 14,937 steps!  I hope to continue that this month but do even better.  I love eating the THM way, there is so much good food and I'm rarely hungry.  I get to eat chocolate every day and that makes me happy.  I do have those rough times on occasion where I feel frustrated and just want to grab a bag of chips and a Dr Pepper but thankfully those moments are in the minority.  I am still hoping fervently that doing this for a solid year will result in a change of desire and tastes for me.  Making this commitment and taking it as seriously as I have has helped me tremendously.  There are several times that I could have cheated and rationalized it but I did not because I committed to NO cheats and I do not want to fail my challenge.  This first week of February has been tough on me as I have been feeling a little under the weather and that causes me to want to cut corners and just slack off but I'm trying hard not to.  So there is my update.  Powering on! 

Day 1 of a Sugar Free Life

Happy New Year!  2018 has arrived!  I am excited for this new year and hopeful for the changes I want to inflict.  A couple of months ago in the midst of my busiest season of life I made a decision.  I decided that 2018 would be my year to kick the sugar habit once and for all.  I realize that I have an addiction and I do not want to be a slave to sugar any longer.  I know myself well and I realize that it's not enough to just "start over again."  I have to have a plan and I can not let myself just float along doing the same things I've always done but expecting a different result.  I realize that I give myself way too much leeway and that usually ends with a gradual decline until its a full out flop.  I have prayerfully cried out to God for help in this matter and I truly feel that he has directed me to proceed.  So, I am committing to an entire year of staying 100% on plan with Trim Healthy Mama.  NO cheating at all, including holidays and birthdays, vacations or special occasions.  My hope is that an entire year will break me of my food addictions and then allow me to find a balance for real life.  I am dusting off my seldomly used blog to help aid me in this journey.  I intend to post monthly during this year to give me accountability and a place to reflect.  I also hope that I might be a help to anyone else who might ever attempt something like this.  To start with I want to clearly post all of my health goals for this year. 
1. Staying 100% on THM plan - Crossovers and "personal choice" products are allowed with discretion.
2. I will hit 10,000 steps daily on my fitbit
3. I will deliberately exercise a minimum of 4 days a week.
4. I will drink LOTS of water daily
5. I will take my Juice Plus gummies daily
6. Go to bed earlier
7. Participate in reading encouraging books and participating in studies to help me understand and overcome my issues with food.
I know that this will not be easy, especially at the beginning.  But I am determined.  I will be 43 years old in April and I have put this off long enough.  I have several issues I would like to see improved by this change.  Many do not know this but I was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and even with two prescription drugs I take twice daily I still live with a lot of pain and swelling, particularly in my hands.  I am hopeful that this lifestyle will help alleviate that pain.  I have for many years now suffered from chronic fatigue which I think is amplified by the RA as that has caused me to be anemic as well.  I'm pretty much ALWAYS tired.  I have to push myself through the day every day and so many things get left undone because I just do not have the energy to do them.  I pray this new lifestyle will help that as well.  I need to be more present with my kids and that's almost impossible with my current limitations.  I am only 5 pounds away from being at my all time highest weight.  I take a prilosec every day to control my acid re-flux.  I suffer from sinus pressure and headaches pretty much daily.  I feel sick more often than I feel well.  I state all of this not to give myself excuses or to get sympathy but to establish my starting off place.  I have another health issue I'm facing that I don't think is related to my diet but I will post it here to be thorough.  I have a nodule and a cyst on my thyroid that my doctor is concerned about.  I already had one biopsy done in November but they were not able to get enough cells to test so I will have to repeat the procedure in a couple of months after my thyroid has healed from the first procedure.  I am choosing not to worry about this and that is one of the reasons I have not told many people about it.  It is in God's hands.  I want to also add how happy I am that my husband has chosen to take on this year long challenge with me.  He is in worst shape than me health wise with type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure, sleep apnea and gout.  He is morbidly obese and in so much need of change.  I pray that I can help him achieve his goals this year as well.  So, that is it, the starting place has been established and we proceed into this new year with excitement and hopes and dreams for a healthier future!  Thanks for joining me!

Confessions from a hurting heart

Have you ever had so much emotion trapped up in your heart that you know if you don't vent it out you just might explode?  That is where I am at right now.  My grandma passed away not quite 2 months ago now.  She is the first person that I have ever lost from this world and she just happened to be one of the most important persons of my life.  We always had a close relationship and she was one of the few people who actually seemed to "get" me.  She was my biggest fan and I never doubted her love for me.  She was a very special lady who helped make me into the woman that I am.  I miss her. I miss her so bad I can hardly stand it.  This being my first time walking through a grief process I have no idea if the feelings I have are normal or not.  It's kinda strange actually, I mean I obviously felt intense sadness at the time of her passing.  But then life kinda went on and you tried to pick up the pieces and establish a routine again and you just kind of move on.  Or at least that's what I thought I did but recently it's like the grief has suddenly intensified.  I find myself crying over the littlest things and thinking about grandma a lot.  I remember her when I'm baking, I think about her when doing laundry, while shopping, sitting in church next to my grandad.  Oh boy is her absence felt then, she was always the one sitting beside me.  Seeing her picture, and I have lots of them, just feels like a knife in my chest.  Worst of all is going to my moms house and just seeing grandma everywhere.  Her touches are all over that house.  I hope that this is just a phase of grief I'm going through and that it will pass so I can start to dwell on my happy memories and not be so overcome with my sadness.  I also wonder if I just never really dealt with all of the emotions that began the day we found out the cancer was back.  That day I stayed with grandad while my mom took grandma to the ER.  She had been really sick for weeks and we had finally convinced her she needed to go to the hospital.  It never entered my mind that the diagnosis would be lung cancer.  My mom was so upset when she found out she couldn't talk so she texted me..it's lung cancer, can you tell grandad?  Can you tell grandad.  I sat there in shock staring at my phone in horror before glancing up at my unsuspecting grandfather, contemplating how to tell him that his beloved wife of 63 years was potentially dying.  I pulled a chair up in front of him and gently broke the news to him and then held him in my arms as he sobbed.  That moment is permanently etched in my memory.  A whirlwind ensued as family dropped everything and rushed to spend one last holiday as an intact family.  It was a great week.  Grandma felt good when she came home from the hospital and she so much enjoyed having the family all together.  I'm sure it was hard for my cousins to hug her goodbye knowing it would be the last time on this earth.  The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was so peaceful and normal it almost seemed like the diagnosis of "terminal" must have been a mistake.  Then Christmas Day arrived.  The moment I arrived at the house I knew grandma had taken a bad turn.  She felt bad, nauseous and dizzy.  She tried to come to the table but ended up vomiting and having to retreat to the couch to rest while we ate.  I could hardly contain the intense feeling of dread and sadness I felt.  We opened our gifts all around her as she dozed in and out barely aware of what was happening.  She did watch the video I made for her but I was unsure how much she was able to take in.  Christmas Day was the beginning of the end.  She did rebound for a few days and I am so thankful for it.  I will never ever forget the moment she took my hand and with her hands shaking she tried to place her wedding ring on my finger.  "I want you to have this" she said.  I was stunned and it took me a few minutes to collect myself and thank her and tell her how much her gift meant to me.  She squeezed my hand and said "Okay now don't make me cry".  There was another day in particular that my mom and my aunt took grandad out to lunch and I got to stay alone with grandma.  I will always cherish those moments we shared.  I got to show her my Christmas video again and we got to talk.  That was our last real talk together.  The last week of her life was painful to watch.  By that time she was being medicated constantly and sleeping majority of the time.  It was a waiting game and it was awful.  On January 11th after spending part of the day at the house close by, my family and I left to attend a birthday party.  While at the party I received the text from my mom telling me grandma had just left for heaven.  We rushed back to the house and all cried together as we strove to find some closure and say goodbye.  It is still so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone.  I know, I KNOW that I will see her again in heaven and I so look forward to that day.  But knowing that however doesn't take away how much I miss her.  I'm sure I will always miss her.  I am so thankful to have had such a special grandma.  I am now out of words, emotionally spent but somehow I do feel better. 
I love you Grandma, I miss you...

Depths of Despair

     Do you remember in Anne of Green Gables when Anne says to Marilla “I am in the depths of despair, have you ever been in the depths of despair?” and Marilla answers in her no nonsense way “No, I have not, to despair is to turn ones back on God.”  For some reason, that I am sure was the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me in a way that I would understand, that little dialog just happened upon my mind as I was wallowing in my own depth of despair.  Have you ever been in the depths of despair?  My despair is not over trivial little happenstances that constantly seem to find Anne Shirley thus thrusting her into the depth.  Mine is over myself.  I find myself constantly berating my own inadequacy.  I feel like I try so hard to be a better person, to be a better Mom, and most importantly to be a better Christian.  And yet inevitably my temper will rear its ugly head and a moment of irritation turns into an argument here and a withering look there.  Or I simply give into my chronic fatigue and just don’t care about anything.  My house doesn’t get clean, take out is for dinner and my three year old spent the whole day wearing nothing but a pajama top.  Failure.  I know what I want to achieve, I can see it all in the perfect little bubble above my head.  Perfectly clean and organized house with pictures hanging on the walls, instead of piled on the floor in the living room like they have been since we moved in almost four months ago.  My day is scheduled perfectly with a full wonderful day of homeschooling my oldest while skillfully entertaining my youngest.  Delightful conversations of learning and discovery!  I prepare the perfect meal just in time for my wonderful husband to get home from work.  We all sit around the table enjoying my perfect dinner along with good family conversation.  My kids go to bed at a descent hour with no problem and my three year old does not get up three times in the night to climb in bed with me.  My husband and I spend the last few wakeful hours of the day enjoying being alone together and we never share a cross word.  Sound idyllic?  Of course it does!  It’s from the bubble above my head!  POP!  Not real, not realistic.  I know that, I really do, so why then do I repeatedly fall into the “depths of despair” when the reality hits?  Failure.  I spend so much time reflecting on what I want, i.e. the bubble over my head that the only outcome can only ever be failure.  You can’t only be content with perfection when perfection is not attainable.  Perfection is not realistic.  Not in life anyway, life is messy at times.  Instead of wallowing in my own person despair I need to heed Marilla’s wise words and turn TO God.  He understands our struggles and is the ONLY one who actually brings about real change.  I know I cannot do it on my own.  Not even close.  I still want to be better and I think that’s good.  We should never be complacent and content with our flaws, especially when they lead to sin.  But I need to fully realize that God does not see me as a failure. But merely as his beloved child who is trying so hard to carry a heavy burden she has placed on her own shoulders when he so much wants to help her carry it, if she would only relinquish it to him.  Take it Jesus, please.  I surrender my burdens to you.  I don’t need perfection, I just need you.  So, even when I feel myself falling into the depths of despair I know that my God, my Savior has a ladder all ready for me to climb out with.  All I have to do is turn to him and ask for the help he is longing to give.

God's Will vs. My Will

I was blessed with my second perfect baby boy on July 27, 2009. He has been such a blessing and joy in my life. I had always planned on having at least three or four kids by the time I was 30. I love children and have always desired a big family. When I had my first son in October of 1999 I thought I was well on my way to my goal. Unfortunately I didn't take into consideration that perhaps my plans were not God's plans for me. As year after painful year went by it felt as if my dreams were dying. I cried out to God on a regular basis begging him for at least one more child. More years slipped by..30 came and went..no baby. I really believe that I learned a lot about myself during those years. I went from a place of stubborn pride refusing to even allow the possibility that I might never have another child. To a place of surrender to God, I told God that I truly wanted his will to be done. And I meant it. Finally in 2008 we decided we might need some medical help so we sought out infertility treatments. We went through all the testing and began to wait for my cycle to begin to start treatment. Well low and behold that cycle never came and I found myself one early morning standing in the middle of my bathroom in utter shock staring at a positive pregnancy test! Even when we try to get ahead of God he is still one step ahead all the time. What prompted me to write all this is a piece of paper I found just now while cleaning my desk at home. It is something I wrote during the time of the infertility testing. I was feeling very emotional and just had to write. Here it is:

Sometimes it's so hard to wait.

I know he has a plan,

I know he sees the way.

So many dreams unfulfilled,

such a void, how to heal?

My heart cries out

bruised and bleeding,

where's the meaning?

Sometimes dreams are

just meant to be dreams

unfulfilled in reality.

But sometimes dreams

take wing and soar into eternity.

I want my dreams to

be your dreams for me.

Dream through me Jesus!

When the world pushes you down

hold on tight to the light of God's love.

When you rest in his presence

the sun will rise again.

I found out I was pregnant about one week after I wrote this.

I still hope and dream to have more children someday. But I honestly want God's will above my own and I know that if I let him dream through me I will never be disappointed.

An Issue of Forgiveness

These last few months have been full of painful encounters and experiences for myself and for several of those close to me. I have witnessed marriages end and families fractured irreparably. It pains my heart terribly. It is right now 4:30 in the morning and after lying in bed wide awake for an hour with my thoughts hurling around begging to be typed, I have finally given up and decided to let the Holy Spirit lead me. The burning sentiment raging in my head and my heart is the raw fact that when you are facing unspeakable hurts, when you are dragged through the fire, it becomes abundantly clear what you really believe. It is easy to talk the talk but when reality hits can you walk the walk? The biggest hurdle I am witnessing right now is the struggle with forgiveness, so that is the subject I am choosing to explore in this rambling post.

I personally have always had a very strong faith. I firmly believe that we are placed on this earth to love, serve, and worship God. Everything else is just that...everything else. I believe the Bible to be the absolute truth, the words of God. But here lays the dilemma for many, the practicality of what God requires. Look with me at a few scriptures:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8 (NIV)

The definition of the word mercy is as follows: "Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender or enemy."

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you, but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:38-45 (NIV)

Pretty clearly stated but how do you reconcile these truths in real life? I know that if someone smacked me across the face it would not be my natural reaction to turn and allow them to smack the other side too! But, that is clearly what God expects from us. On pondering why it is that God would require this response I was hit by the resounding fact that God is love. Not hate, not bitterness, not anger. God is Love.

I recently watched a biography about Wyatt Earp, it was very interesting and I was struck at the end by one thing in particular. All of his life he was a lawman with a deep sense of justice but when his brother was ruthlessly murdered right in front of him he changed. It was no longer about justice he was consumed with his need for revenge. He shot and killed three men in cold blood who were suspected in the murder of his brother. At that point he became a murderer and a wanted man. When faced with a harsh reality he became what he fought against his whole life.

This brings me back to what do you really believe? God commands us to forgive but does that mean we must forgive everything? I googled forgiveness and came up with story after story of people who forgave others for unthinkable crimes. Parents who forgave the person who murdered their child. That really stuck a nerve with me being a parent myself. But you know the reason they choose to forgive in most cases was because they knew it was the only way to healing for themselves. When bitterness takes root in your heart it spreads like cancer and it will destroy you. No one deserves to be forgiven. No one. Especially those who inflict harm on innocent victims. But as unthinkable as it may be to us God loves even those. God loves everyone, the liar, the the thief, the molester, the murderer and even more he says that no sin is any greater than any other to him. God sees inside our hearts and loves us warts and all. It really changes my perspective when I dwell on that fact. Also God would not command us to do something that is impossible. He placed the capacity for forgiveness and love in our hearts. He knows all of our trials past, present, and future. He made a way for each of us to accept his free gift of forgiveness and he expects us to follow his lead.

I have to say that I am much disturbed when I hear Christians say in all sincerity that people do not change. I cannot forgive that person because once a liar always a liar or fill in the blank with the sin of choice. If you really believe that then you are turning your back on the life changing power of Jesus Christ. I would suggest you check out the book of Acts in the Bible and read about a man named Paul. He was a persecutor and murderer of Christians who had a Holy encounter on the road to Damascus and walked away a man of God, a preacher. In more modern times look at Nicky Cruz a man full of hatred and violence who's life was also changed by the love and grace of Jesus. You can read his story here: http://nickycruz.org/about/nicky_story
You may look at a fallen man and see only his crimes but thank God when Jesus looks at that same man he sees his potential!

In conclusion as I tried to reconcile myself on whether or not to forgive, I went round and round. But if you have faith and you believe the Bible to be the words of God then you will inevitably come back to the same conclusion that I have. I will choose to forgive. I will choose not to cast the first stone. I will choose to believe God. I will choose to try my hardest to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God. Because in the end that is why we are here. Everything else is just...everything else.